Theoretical nuts

Kines lab is forever the saddest saddest subject everrr. The ennui was much too powerful for us that we had no choice but to succumb to the art that is hand doodling. Initiated by the ever outstanding Sharky Ko. *gasps* Yes, it is THAT awful that forever-DL Sharky just stopped paying attention.

It's so sweet I wanna cut it off... Loljk

Classic Ken

Trying hard

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA absolute opposite. Absolute favorite.

The tail moves when I wiggle my finger. HOHO. Photos are far from decent. We were right in front of Ma'am Sanders so we couldn't take much photos. I think that must have been one of the most unruly Kines lab sessions. It was fun though. I did pay attention during the first part of the lecture. But I got too tired to even try after like slide number Idontevenknow. And I guess I wasn't alone. Lol. Ay Mondays, forever draining. Laugh your theoretical nuts off.

I went to school early today for one reason. And such a miserable one. Being constantly afraid of what I might see, what I might find out. If I could handle it, I had no idea. As much as I can, I'd like to just have nothing to do with it. But even if I try to be okay, my body won't cooperate. My heart just has to race too rapidly for my liking. Out of my control. 115bpm. I felt my eyes moisten, my vessels constrict and the pain in my chest resurface. And I don't know how to make it go away. Please go away. Please be okay.

It just feels so abrupt. That suddenly, it's a different person on your side. Just not me anymore. I hate that I'm affected by it. You could've just stabbed me or something. I don't know. I wasn't expecting to be okay this soon. But I wasn't expecting that pretty picture just displayed nonchalantly in front of me. Slap in the face.

How ironic. Oh, is that a trend this season?

Everything is so frustrating. Moses (mention!) invited me to go jump off the train with him. With umbrellas! Mary Poppins-style hohoho. Hi, CJ.

Wonderful friend sang to me this evening. And rubbed my back and hugged me. Thank you. Title is for you. :) HOHOHOHOH

This is such a disorganized entry *bow*

19th of February, 2012

I wish I had more photos on your phone than her. Even before everything. I never really felt like I was the only one. Not once. How miserable I've been. I brushed it off before, because I trusted you. How I've only come to realize it so late. Honestly, we both knew I couldn't give all of myself. Not yet anyways. But I gave you all I was capable of giving. The unbroken part of me. Now I'm just irreparable. Or close to that at least. I hope.

Last. How you used that word so carelessly. You ended it without even considering my feelings. You ended it without even realizing it yourself. Making me promise selfish things. I only got one answer from you. Yes. The rest, I don't know. It's too obvious that I don't know which is which. October 22, 2012. Really? Your words written as if they happened only yesterday. 

Seeing you look so relieved as you left. That hurt the most.

My throat closed up. And the many questions I've left in my mind just mocked my silence.

You. Don't read my blog ever anymore. Both of you. Don't.

Spill your emotions

I'm a lot better now. A whole lot better. I'll just accept whatever life gives me and move on. I have to. I've been too much of a mess this week that I caused the people around me to suffer as well. You can ask Luigi. Hohoho. Thank you, thank you for understanding. I can imagine the look on your face as you discovered something was wrong with the report. Prolly the same look on my face when I finally figured it out THE FOLLOWING DAY. I mean, really? What is wrong with me?! Hahahahaha.

I'm still afraid, but I promised myself I'll still give it a shot. Who knows, I might be stronger than I give myself credit for. I hope I am. Despite all the shit I hear from people, I think I know you more than they do. I want to believe that. I know the last time I didn't listen to them, I just hurt myself. But I want to risk this. One last time. I'm certain it's gonna hurt. Just please be honest this time round. I think I can handle the truth.

Wonderful people around me. I'm too blessed to have you, guys. For my forever loving friends. "I hope you're doing fine. Remember that it's okay to cry.." Even for those who really have no idea what's happening. "Pagamot mo na 'yang mata mo ha. Parati na lang namamaga." And those I least expected. *pat on the back* I'm far too lucky to be surrounded by caring people. And I know some may judge me or may judge .. well, you know.. But this is between us. And no one else knows more about what's happening than the two of us. Lol, haters.

Photo dump. Starting with pre-Valentine's Day preparation for mez amis. I baked (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) red velvet cupcakes. The first batch was .. burnt. Wasn't too bad since only the outside was crispy (which my sister liked more). I managed to make the second batch without overbaking it. So I brought those to school to give to my friends. And the third batch was for my family, which I baked after we had dinner together. Ultimate failure: broken electric mixer. So I couldn't make the frosting. WHICH IS ACTUALLY THE WHOLE POINT IN MAKING RED VELVET CUPCAKES. Sad sad life. But it feels fulfilling that I actually did everything on my own at 3AM! Lalala.

1st batch :(

Valentine's Day and Tuesdate Valentine's Day special. Mez amis: Katkat, Kath and Arv slept over since Arv didn't have class the next day, Kath's started at 2pm, and ours at 4pm. Played with whipped cream. Tsk, thems bad girls! Went overboard with the meanness, I must admit. I was coping and I was in pain but that's not an excuse for being extremely cruel and judgmental. I'm sorry.

Zzz eyes.

Bad lighting. 1AM at the lanai

And coming home to these sweet babies always made me feel so much better. That day, these cutie pies just stayed by my side until I gave in to my much-needed sleep. Bawling is such a chore. Why did I ever have to do that for a whole week? Nonstop! That's a fucking record!

I love your warmth and your softness

Crappy photos are from crappy camera phones and crappy webcams hence the crappy quality. 

Alternate title: Flocculonodular lobe. Even I wonder why HAHA. I would understand Frog in my Heart, but Nystagmus? Why? Hahahaha

Take a break from the meaningless little shit and find your quiet place. I can't wait for the long weekend. A long break from everything. Although we'll most likely be spending it with Magee. I think he'd be good company. One thousand and ninety eight pages, thank you very much.

Have you ever noticed how many things require your attention?

Dance in the rain

I shouldn't dwell too much on the painful things. There are so many people who value me more than you do. I realize that now. I know I haven't been trying to be okay hard enough. I didn't want to. I was still somehow hoping things would get better. But now, I don't think that's possible. Thank you for making me see that today.

Since you like GIFs, I made one, too. Cerbas drew hearts on the dorsum of our hands. There was a crack drawn on mine but he covered it up with red marker although you can still see a mark. "Normal naman 'yan, eh!" And I can try to mask it, but it'll be of no use. I won't lie to myself. I won't lie to you. It hurts like fuck.

Poorly made but I don't really care. Hoho

I talked to a close friend of mine last night. The one I spent last year's Valentine's day with. Just our usual nonsensical conversation equipped with life lessons, i.e. Star Wars is awesome. Lol. Missed. Thank you, shiny siopao man. I will forever remember your kind words. *stares* 

Doc Fidel calls me Tachycardia now. God, so embarrassing. "Tachycardia, magpacheck-up ka, ha?" Thank you, thank you. 

Roses, chocolates and heartbreaks. Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm gonna dance in the rain. I'm gonna dance wildly (and I'll make you a fuckin' GIF while I'm at it)

Terrified

And I don't know what exactly happened to me during that seminar. I just lost it. Maybe it's the stress? The coffee? Doubt it. Everything just seemed to fall on me these past few days. I just want to drop everything. And lie down. Somewhere. Sleep. Where you can't haunt my dreams anymore. I was really scared. No. I'm really scared. Yesterday. Today. And tomorrow, I'll still be scared.

My heart was racing more than I could handle. And I shivered even though I did not feel the cold. I just felt terrified. And my imagination ran wild as far as it could, as fast as my heart. Everything I wanted to forget just flashed before me. So I shivered some more. And my heart couldn't take it. And I couldn't hold back the tears. Because it was just so true. It's so ironic I wanted the truth and now I have it. And it hurts too much. So everything just became more final. I don't want this.

I can't stand feeling like I'm not good enough anymore. I'm tired of feeling replaced. I've felt that way ever since I can remember. Why do you think I'm like this in the first place? You think I choose to be reserved? To hide myself when I've got so many things to say? It's painful to speak and have nobody listen. I knew it wouldn't go away easily. So I worked hard. Little by little to change myself. But I didn't expect that it would just be you who would intensify this fucked up fucked up truth. There. I said it.

I can never ever be good enough for anyone. I will always be lacking. Everyone knows that.
I should have listened. From the beginning, I've been struggling but I held on. I'm so stupid. So so stupid. And guess what. You guys were right again. I can't focus. I just can't anymore. 

144 beats per minute. Resting tremors.

It's okay to not be okay. We're only human.

I'm not okay. It's too late.

I'm so scared to see you in my dreams. Cause I wouldn't want to wake up anymore.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm just stating facts. Things we didn't want to admit. Just the sad sad truth.


She's really beautiful. But she seems so fragile. Just don't hurt her please.
I hope you don't make the same mistake you made with me. Denying what you truly feel just to spare me. I guess maybe you wanted to protect me. There's no need for that anymore. Don't hurt her and maybe then it'll be easier for me to accept this all.